The Positive Perspective

Dr. John Gottman teaches us that in order to have a sound relationship, we need to build one! Some of the building blocks (which you can learn about in previous posts) are; love maps, sharing fondness and admiration, turning towards your partner, and the next building block he calls, The Positive Perspective. The main idea behind a positive perspective is to let your partner influence you.

I believe that the choices you make and things you do change you. I also believe that these changes can occur day to day, and definitely overtime! If you depend only on yourself and these choices you make, you will be incompatible with a lot of people, including your spouse! If you work together to influence each other, if you change and grow together, then you will grow together and be happier.

Now what is the largest cause of not letting your partner’s influence you? Pride! “Behold, the pride of this nation, or the people of the Nephites, hath proven their destruction.” (Moro. 8:27.)In the Scriptures we learn that pride often leads to discussion. If we humble ourselves and let others help us we can remain humble and be more successful in our marriages!

Take this fun quiz to see the state of your relationship!

Accepting Influence Questionnaire

Directions: Read each statement and circle T for True and F for False.

1. I am really interested in my partner’s opinions on our basic issues. T F

2. I usually learn a lot from my partner even when we disagree. T F

3. I want my partner to feel that what he or she says really counts with me. T F

4. I generally want my partner to feel influential in this relationship. T F

5. I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. T F

6. My partner has a lot of basic common sense. T F

7. 1 try to communicate respect even during our disagreements. T F

8. If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out. T F

9. I don’t reject my partner’s opinions out of hand. T F

10. My partner is not rational enough to take seriously when we discuss our issues. T F

11. 1 believe in lots of give and take in our discussions. T F

12. I am very persuasive and usually can win arguments with my partner. T F

13. I feel I have an important say when we make decisions. T F

14. My partner usually has good ideas. T F

15. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. T F

16. I try to listen respectfully, even when I disagree. T F

17. My ideas for solutions are usually much better than my partner’s. T F

18. I can usually find something to agree with in my partner’s position. T F

19. My partner is usually too emotional. T F

20. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this relationship. T F

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each True answer, except for questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20. Subtract one point for each True answer to questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20.

6 or above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. You willingly share power with your partner, a hallmark of an emotionally intelligent relationship.

“Hey Now, Hey Now, This Is What Dreams Are Made of”

-Lizzie McGuire-

When people get married and begin the creation of a new family they each come into that marriage with their own set of dreams. Some of the dreams probably overlap but there may be a number of dreams that are not shared between the couple. 

These unshared dreams and “irreconcilable differences” can result in what Dr. John Gottman refers to as gridlock. He says, “When partners can’t find a way to accommodate perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock.”

To get out of gridlock, each member in the relationship must understand that no matter what the problem is, gridlock means that each of you have dreams that the other doesn’t know about or simply doesn’t care about.

My husband and I were in gridlock for a minute, he had always wanted to have a motorcycle. I NEVER wanted to have a motorcycle, EVER!!! For weeks I ignored his dreamed and even tried to shut it down. Recognizing that this was hurting our relationship through many different aspects, we had a calm discussion. We both shared our thoughts, feelings, concerns, and dreams.

Together we decided that we are at a time in our life where we could afford and even benefit from having a motorcycle. So we got one! After that we are much happier and better at working together and sharing our desires and needs. (And I even started to learn how to ride it!)

Whatever your dreams are made of, respect others’ dreams, compromise in making your own dreams reality. Above all love your partner and appreciate their own and your own expectations.

After all;

“Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.”

John R. Gottman.

  

Inspiration for my post title this week. This was my favorite song for a long time! I made countless music videos and dance routines to it, but none were as good as the original!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-s7ol38Ifs

Protect the Flame

Turn Toward Each Other

Instead of Away

   “couples who engage in lots of interaction tend to remain happy. What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting—they are attuning by turning toward each other. Couples who do so are building mutual trust. Those who don’t are likely to lose their way.” Gottman

When we don’t spend time with those who we love it is hard to keep that love or flame alive and burning bright. It is like a water heater. If we keep the pilot light on all winter, then that relationship will stay warm and happy!

Although it can be difficult to keep a flame alive in harsh winds, it is possible! We just need to be sure that we guard it, keep it safe, and hold it close and dear to our heart.

Some ways we can stay connected to our spouse, or keep that flame alive are;

-Continue speaking the same unspoken language, a couple’s language is when you know the things your partner would find hurtful and never say them. Or understanding when your partner us upset even if they say they are fine.

-They spend time together, spending time together is one of the greatest ways we can understand our partner and over all flame brighter.

-Enjoy each other, but enjoy time by yourself too. If you are too dependent on your partner you have a more difficult time being happy without them. If you can be happy by yourself your relationship will be more two-way!

Finally, the Four Pillars of Shared Meaning;

through these pillars, couples can enrich their relationships and family life.

The first pillar; RITUALS OF CONNECTION

Rituals are a structured event that you all enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness. Through these rituals, we can find a special connection

The second pillar; SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER’S ROLES

To me this is pretty self-explanatory, but basically it just means that as partners you support each other always! In my own marriage I have recognized this and support my husband all the time! When I disagree or have a different idea I do my best to share it with him in private in a loving and personal way.

The third pillar; SHARED GOALS

Like the second pillar this one is fairly obvious to me. It is important to share goals and work towards them together.

The fourth pillar; SHARED VALUES AND SYMBOLS

Luckily my husband and I both belong to the same church, because this provides us with the easiest way to have the same values and even symbols. This can be done in many different ways, through routines, favorite traditions, etc.