The Positive Perspective

Dr. John Gottman teaches us that in order to have a sound relationship, we need to build one! Some of the building blocks (which you can learn about in previous posts) are; love maps, sharing fondness and admiration, turning towards your partner, and the next building block he calls, The Positive Perspective. The main idea behind a positive perspective is to let your partner influence you.

I believe that the choices you make and things you do change you. I also believe that these changes can occur day to day, and definitely overtime! If you depend only on yourself and these choices you make, you will be incompatible with a lot of people, including your spouse! If you work together to influence each other, if you change and grow together, then you will grow together and be happier.

Now what is the largest cause of not letting your partner’s influence you? Pride! “Behold, the pride of this nation, or the people of the Nephites, hath proven their destruction.” (Moro. 8:27.)In the Scriptures we learn that pride often leads to discussion. If we humble ourselves and let others help us we can remain humble and be more successful in our marriages!

Take this fun quiz to see the state of your relationship!

Accepting Influence Questionnaire

Directions: Read each statement and circle T for True and F for False.

1. I am really interested in my partner’s opinions on our basic issues. T F

2. I usually learn a lot from my partner even when we disagree. T F

3. I want my partner to feel that what he or she says really counts with me. T F

4. I generally want my partner to feel influential in this relationship. T F

5. I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. T F

6. My partner has a lot of basic common sense. T F

7. 1 try to communicate respect even during our disagreements. T F

8. If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out. T F

9. I don’t reject my partner’s opinions out of hand. T F

10. My partner is not rational enough to take seriously when we discuss our issues. T F

11. 1 believe in lots of give and take in our discussions. T F

12. I am very persuasive and usually can win arguments with my partner. T F

13. I feel I have an important say when we make decisions. T F

14. My partner usually has good ideas. T F

15. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. T F

16. I try to listen respectfully, even when I disagree. T F

17. My ideas for solutions are usually much better than my partner’s. T F

18. I can usually find something to agree with in my partner’s position. T F

19. My partner is usually too emotional. T F

20. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this relationship. T F

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each True answer, except for questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20. Subtract one point for each True answer to questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20.

6 or above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. You willingly share power with your partner, a hallmark of an emotionally intelligent relationship.