The Four Horsemen
Contempt-Criticism-Stonewalling-Defensiveness
The
four horsemen of the apocalypse is a metaphor which portrays the end of times.
These four horsemen describe war, hunger, conquest, and death.
Dr.
John Gottman uses this metaphor in marriage, essentially he explains the four
things that will ultimately kill a marriage.
These
are; contempt,
criticisms, stonewalling, and defensiveness. He explains how marriage can survive with one or two of these
horsemen, it can even survive with all four, but it will be difficult to enjoy
and to gain a stronger marriage once all four are there.
What
are these horsemen? How can they ruin a marriage? What do they mean?
Contempt; Gottman finds this to be
the number one predictor of breakups. This is acting like you are a better,
higher, more important person that your partner.
Criticisms; this is where a person in a
relationship points to their partner and specifically shares a problem in their
personality or character.
Stonewalling; This entails one person in
the relationship shutting down or completely tuning out towards the other
person.
Defensiveness; This is responding to issues
in a relationship by whining or counter attacking.
The
first step to eliminating all or any horsemen is recognizing they are there.
Next;
destroy these bad habits with positive new, ones. When you recognize one of the
four horseman creeping in stop them by changing your words, thoughts, or
actions.
TIP: Practice avoiding these horsemen and keeping them away! It is not easy, but it is worth it. Study the formula from lds.org below and love yourself and your partner.
https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/marriage-for-eternity?lang=eng
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