Protect the Flame

Turn Toward Each Other

Instead of Away

   “couples who engage in lots of interaction tend to remain happy. What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting—they are attuning by turning toward each other. Couples who do so are building mutual trust. Those who don’t are likely to lose their way.” Gottman

When we don’t spend time with those who we love it is hard to keep that love or flame alive and burning bright. It is like a water heater. If we keep the pilot light on all winter, then that relationship will stay warm and happy!

Although it can be difficult to keep a flame alive in harsh winds, it is possible! We just need to be sure that we guard it, keep it safe, and hold it close and dear to our heart.

Some ways we can stay connected to our spouse, or keep that flame alive are;

-Continue speaking the same unspoken language, a couple’s language is when you know the things your partner would find hurtful and never say them. Or understanding when your partner us upset even if they say they are fine.

-They spend time together, spending time together is one of the greatest ways we can understand our partner and over all flame brighter.

-Enjoy each other, but enjoy time by yourself too. If you are too dependent on your partner you have a more difficult time being happy without them. If you can be happy by yourself your relationship will be more two-way!

Finally, the Four Pillars of Shared Meaning;

through these pillars, couples can enrich their relationships and family life.

The first pillar; RITUALS OF CONNECTION

Rituals are a structured event that you all enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness. Through these rituals, we can find a special connection

The second pillar; SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER’S ROLES

To me this is pretty self-explanatory, but basically it just means that as partners you support each other always! In my own marriage I have recognized this and support my husband all the time! When I disagree or have a different idea I do my best to share it with him in private in a loving and personal way.

The third pillar; SHARED GOALS

Like the second pillar this one is fairly obvious to me. It is important to share goals and work towards them together.

The fourth pillar; SHARED VALUES AND SYMBOLS

Luckily my husband and I both belong to the same church, because this provides us with the easiest way to have the same values and even symbols. This can be done in many different ways, through routines, favorite traditions, etc.

LOVE

When my husband and I were newlyweds, we lived in Washington. I got and started a job in a city 40 minutes away from our home. I was new to the area and it often took me longer because I was unaware of the streets and signals coming up. This is the first time commuting and spending so much time traveling and finding my way through new lands.

Move in Day! 

I was excited to be out and about each day doing something fun and new! At first Google Maps was my one and only hope of getting to where I needed to, I took every exit, turn, and plan it gave to me in order to get to where I need to be. I took the same route and listened to Siri tell me how to get there every day, because I was nervous I would be late for work or get lost.

However eventually I became more familiar with that route. I learned the street system and more about the area. I was able to explore the neighborhood. I could tell where I was in relation to where I was and where I needed to be and was able to find my way almost anywhere. I had no more use to use google maps! I had this wonderful map of the city in my mind! My map was expanding as I had more details of the town and it continued to grow the more I traveled. The more I knew where I was and where things were, I enjoyed the city and the area more and more!

What is a Love Map?

Thinking about Gottman and his “Love Maps” reminded me of the map I had created in Yakima!

When you start a new relationship and there is so much to discover about the person! Everything about them seems amazing and new and exciting. This is partly because they are new and there is an empty atlas in front of them that they want to fill! It can also be scary, like my time in Yakima going only through the google maps route. But it is exciting to learn new things and be able to go more places!

There will always be more to discover about each other. Having a detailed “Love Map” is about growing in your understanding of the person you married. Instead of taking your familiarity for granted, you strive to keep up with the ever-changing landscape of his/her inner world.

Gottman shares; “The Seven Principles of Marriage Work:”

Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map – my term for that part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.

How familiar do you think you are with your spouse’s inner thought life? How familiar do you think they are with yours?

I found this on a website, the mini love map game to help better understand the love map!

The 4 Horsemen

The Four Horsemen

Contempt-Criticism-Stonewalling-Defensiveness

The four horsemen of the apocalypse is a metaphor which portrays the end of times. These four horsemen describe war, hunger, conquest, and death.

Dr. John Gottman uses this metaphor in marriage, essentially he explains the four things that will ultimately kill a marriage.

These are; contempt, criticisms, stonewalling, and defensiveness. He explains how marriage can survive with one or two of these horsemen, it can even survive with all four, but it will be difficult to enjoy and to gain a stronger marriage once all four are there.

What are these horsemen? How can they ruin a marriage? What do they mean?

Contempt; Gottman finds this to be the number one predictor of breakups. This is acting like you are a better, higher, more important person that your partner.

Criticisms; this is where a person in a relationship points to their partner and specifically shares a problem in their personality or character.

Stonewalling; This entails one person in the relationship shutting down or completely tuning out towards the other person.

Defensiveness; This is responding to issues in a relationship by whining or counter attacking.

The first step to eliminating all or any horsemen is recognizing they are there.

Next; destroy these bad habits with positive new, ones. When you recognize one of the four horseman creeping in stop them by changing your words, thoughts, or actions.

TIP: Practice avoiding these horsemen and keeping them away! It is not easy, but it is worth it. Study the formula from lds.org below and love yourself and your partner.

https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/marriage-for-eternity?lang=eng

TEMPLES

Marriage in the temple is one of the greatest blessing on this earth today. An eternal marriage is a wonderful, comforting, and amazing feeling. A feeling that you can only receive from being sealed in an LDS temple.
Although a temple marriage is my most memorable time in the temple, there are many blessings and special moments we can have and receive from and inside these temples.
President Ezra Taft Benson once said; “When you attend the temple and perform the ordinances that pertain to the House of the Lord, certain blessings will come to you:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.
• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.

• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.

• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.

• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)

• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.)
Such are the blessings of the temple and the blessings of frequently attending the temple.”

I believe that these blessings are true and that they can be fulfilled when we put in our part.

Through temple marriage we can fulfill an essential piece of Heavenly Father’s plan for us on this earth. Temple marriage is a commandment and an undeniable part of the plan of salvation. Men and Women are complementary to each other and as such are meant to get married and create families in this life.  

In the Bible we learn that it is not good for man to be alone, and vice versa. 

(Genesis 2:18)

“Neither is man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” 1 Cor. 11:11.

Men and women are supposed to be together and enjoy life with one another.

Here are some helpful links to better understand what temples are for!
https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2015-06-1020-mormon-temples?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/church/temples/why-mormons-build-temples?lang=eng

https://www.mormon.org/faq/use-of-temples