8 Tools
to Recover from Infidelity
“It was important for us not only to find a Christian counselor, but
one that specializes in sex addiction. Through our past experience, we really
noticed a difference between counselors that specialize in sex addiction and
those that don’t. We also recommend, from our experience, each spouse having
their own counselors. We spent a lot of money on this, but it’s cheaper than a
divorce and highly effective for recovery.
2. Communicate Openly
This one is harder to remember to do,
but it’s important that I (Carl) talk to Katie about what is going on and offer
information even if she doesn’t ask. I try to share what my day has been like,
who I’m working with, and what I might be struggling with.
3. Drop the Defensiveness
Even a couple of years after
everything happened, there are still times when I’ll be asked a question that I
think has no basis. It doesn’t matter. How I respond to my wife, especially
after the trust has been broken, is what really counts. If I respond
defensively, I am building up a wall between us. If I respond calmly and
openly, it helps my wife to trust me and together we are building a bridge back
to each other.
4. Get Accountable
It has been essential for us to have accountability software on
all media outlets, phones, computers, iPads, etc. If you travel for work,
create a travel plan that details everything you are doing and when you will
check in with your spouse. I also have a group of friends that hold me
accountable by checking in weekly, whether by phone or in person. A certified
sex counselor also has resources for accountability therapy groups; I (Carl)
participated one of these for over a year.
5. Avoid Triggers
Check movie/TV ratings, even if it’s
PG-13, and avoid anything that is sexual. We also censor the magazines that we
allow in our house, which pretty much means none. At the very beginning of our
discovery, we did a media blackout for a period of time. Carl went off Facebook
and we got rid of cable. It’s also been important for us to avoid or limit
alcohol, especially in a setting that we will be without each other.
6. Date Again
Damage was done and your spouse needs
to see you mak
e an effort to date again. Make plans, find a sitter, work it into the calendar and the budget. Call your wife and pursue her, like you did when you were dating. It doesn’t always need to be a five-star date, but spending time together intentionally has really helped us rebuild our love for each other.
e an effort to date again. Make plans, find a sitter, work it into the calendar and the budget. Call your wife and pursue her, like you did when you were dating. It doesn’t always need to be a five-star date, but spending time together intentionally has really helped us rebuild our love for each other.
7. Participate in Maintenance
Counseling
8. Extend Grace
There will be bumps in the road; it’s
okay. This recovery is a process, which means it can take a long time to be
fully recovered. We know we aren’t there yet, we still make mistakes that bring
up old hurts. Extend grace to each other and practice forgiving regularly"
For a great story on
overcoming infidelity see:
President McKay gave some sober direction to the men when he
said, “A man who has entered into a sacred covenant in the house of the Lord to
remain true to the marriage vow is a traitor to the covenant if he separates
himself from his wife and family just because he has permitted himself to
become infatuated with the pretty face and comely form of some young girl who
flattered him with a smile. Even though a loose interpretation of the law of
the land would grant such a man a bill of divorcement, I think he is unworthy
of a recommend to have his second marriage performed in the temple.” (Gospel
Ideals, p. 473.)
