I married my husband!

This means that I also married his family!

What does this mean?

To me this means that while I don’t have to love them as much as I love him, I should try to love them as much as I love my family. I think the reason this can be so difficult is because of the time we have spent with or own family and haven’t spent with them makes us feel more connected to our own. Like if I spend Christmas with my in-laws instead of at my own mother’s home then I am somehow letting them down and dishonoring them. Because I have spent more time with my family I don’t want to disappoint them. But I don’t want to disappoint my in-laws either?!!?

Seems rather contradictory. I think the reason is because the way we love is not unconditional. We need to open our hearts to love and accept family with all their flaws and desires. If we can open our hearts to love everyone the same and enjoy being with them no matter what.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”

-       -Genesis 2:24

Not only should a husband cleave unto his wife, but a wife should cleave unto her husband. Their separate immediate families are still important, but each other’s families should be as important as the other. Because their family is each other and it connects you to each other’s in-laws.

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen give some great advice on the topic;

“When you married, you also became part of another family with its own set of expectations. You need to recognize and respect those—within limits.

What are those limits? Here are three things that "honoring" your in-laws does not mean:

•   It doesn't require that you submerge all your own feelings, desires, preferences, and needs in the service of "doing things their way."

•   It doesn't mean you must permit them to disrespect, control, or manipulate you for their own selfish ends.

•   It doesn't entail "obeying" all their "parental" requests or requirements—which, in some instances with some in-laws, may get pretty crazy.”

Be sure to love everyone! Remember what is important and open your heart to your family!

Who is the Boss?

Who Is the Boss?

Is my husband the boss of me? Am I in charge of being my husband boss? Is our son the boss of both of us??!?!

No, no, and no.

None of us are the boss of any of us.

I don’t think that is a proper sentence, but it is true!

What does the world tell us? The world tells us many things, but they are mostly all wrong.

“The husband is the boss!

The wife is the boss; the husband is dumb!

The children are in charge of the parents, because parents don’t know what they are doing! 

No one is the boss/everyone is!!!!"

-              The World       -

What is the truth?

I believe the truth is we are ultimately the boss of ourselves, but in a family it may be a little different.

1. Parents are the leaders in the family.
2. Parents must be united in their leadership.
3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.

a. Husbands and wives are equal.

b. Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.

c. A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.

d. A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.

5. What is the power relationship in your marriage?

Infidelity Recovery

8 Tools to Recover from Infidelity

1. Get Counseling

“It was important for us not only to find a Christian counselor, but one that specializes in sex addiction. Through our past experience, we really noticed a difference between counselors that specialize in sex addiction and those that don’t. We also recommend, from our experience, each spouse having their own counselors. We spent a lot of money on this, but it’s cheaper than a divorce and highly effective for recovery.

2. Communicate Openly

This one is harder to remember to do, but it’s important that I (Carl) talk to Katie about what is going on and offer information even if she doesn’t ask. I try to share what my day has been like, who I’m working with, and what I might be struggling with.

3. Drop the Defensiveness

Even a couple of years after everything happened, there are still times when I’ll be asked a question that I think has no basis. It doesn’t matter. How I respond to my wife, especially after the trust has been broken, is what really counts. If I respond defensively, I am building up a wall between us. If I respond calmly and openly, it helps my wife to trust me and together we are building a bridge back to each other.

4. Get Accountable

It has been essential for us to have accountability software on all media outlets, phones, computers, iPads, etc. If you travel for work, create a travel plan that details everything you are doing and when you will check in with your spouse. I also have a group of friends that hold me accountable by checking in weekly, whether by phone or in person. A certified sex counselor also has resources for accountability therapy groups; I (Carl) participated one of these for over a year.

5. Avoid Triggers

Check movie/TV ratings, even if it’s PG-13, and avoid anything that is sexual. We also censor the magazines that we allow in our house, which pretty much means none. At the very beginning of our discovery, we did a media blackout for a period of time. Carl went off Facebook and we got rid of cable. It’s also been important for us to avoid or limit alcohol, especially in a setting that we will be without each other.

6. Date Again

Damage was done and your spouse needs to see you mak


e an effort to date again. Make plans, find a sitter, work it into the calendar and the budget. Call your wife and pursue her, like you did when you were dating. It doesn’t always need to be a five-star date, but spending time together intentionally has really helped us rebuild our love for each other.

7. Participate in Maintenance Counseling

I (Katie) was released from counseling earlier than Carl.  He attended weekly group therapy sessions and individual counseling for over a year before he was released.  You can talk with your counselor about how often you should participate in maintenance counseling or you can decide with your spouse when you’d like to do this. A maintenance counseling session mainly serves as a check-in for both of us. This is a session that can be done individually or as a couple. We prefer to go as a couple. Writing this post for #staymarried reminded Carl and I that we needed to schedule a maintenance counseling session, so we got an appointment on the books. We love counseling and can’t say enough good things about it

8. Extend Grace

There will be bumps in the road; it’s okay. This recovery is a process, which means it can take a long time to be fully recovered. We know we aren’t there yet, we still make mistakes that bring up old hurts. Extend grace to each other and practice forgiving regularly"

For a great story on overcoming infidelity see:

http://staymarriedblog.com/recovering-from-infidelity/

President McKay gave some sober direction to the men when he said, “A man who has entered into a sacred covenant in the house of the Lord to remain true to the marriage vow is a traitor to the covenant if he separates himself from his wife and family just because he has permitted himself to become infatuated with the pretty face and comely form of some young girl who flattered him with a smile. Even though a loose interpretation of the law of the land would grant such a man a bill of divorcement, I think he is unworthy of a recommend to have his second marriage performed in the temple.” (Gospel Ideals, p. 473.)